As I was laying in bed my thoughts hit me and I had to share.
Wow, ten years. Has it really been that long?
Ten years ago I was still pretending to be Mormon.
Ten years ago I was just getting to know a girl who would become my Mormon-fiancee through online dating.
Ten years ago I was terrified.
I didn't want to be part of the LDS church anymore. I hated the control, the guilt, the manipulation, the brainwashing, the no room for logic and free thought, but how could I get out?
95% of my friends were Mormon at the time. I was part of a singles ward. I probably had a calling, but I never had any calling of importance so I don't remember what it was. My family was Mormon. My sister just got married in the temple a few months prior. I felt helpless. frustrated, confused, and most of all lonely.
I had no one to confide in. I had been piling so much on my shelf it was about to break. It was creaking under the weight. I kept trying to support it, but I knew it would break and soon.
Then 2008 happened.
I decided to be me. I took steps. Yes I met and dated the girl from online. We got engaged. It was rough. We fought a lot. We broke up and got back together probably 7 or 8 times before it all finally fell apart. I told her I had to be me and I couldn't be the priesthood holder she had her heart set on. So we parted ways.
Still very few people knew about who I was except a few close friends; because I didn't live at home with family I could pretend I was still going to church.
I felt more of "the spirit" outside of the church than I ever did in the walls of a chapel.
Sundays became second Saturdays. I could go out experience nature and take in life.
2008 was a year I finally started to figure out who I was. I went with a very dear and close friend for dinner and had my first alcoholic beverage. It was freeing. The guilt was gone. The church had no power over me anymore. I found out from some other friends that I am not a fan of Crown Royal and will never touch the stuff again. Alcohol, that I was taught was this demon from childhood, was something that could help you relax as long as it is used in moderation. In the right quantities it can be healthy.
I began to learn more. I made new friends outside the church. We had new experiences. I finally felt that for the first time I was living life and happy. The guilt, the loneliness, the depression was all lifting away.
Yes some of the guilt was still there at times. 25 years of indoctrination is hard to scrub away, but it was being scrubbed away. I was still in the shadows until Nov 2008 of the dreaded Prop 8 vote.
I couldn't be a part of a religion that fought so hard to take away others' happiness. God supposedly gives us agency so why were they taking it away from others? Why did they fight so hard against something that since that time has literally done nothing to hurt them or their religion? It was going to destroy Christianity and our country. We were going down the slippery slope. (Trump is destroying our nation not gay marriage.)
That was it. I was done. I wasn't hiding anymore and 10 years ago people got to know the real me.
I hope that 2018 can be just as amazing as 2008 was. I have a life with an amazing wife, two dogs, great friends, and close family members.
Cheers to 2018 and another ten years of challenges and journeys!
